Quvenzhané Does Not Begin with a "C": Sheltering Our Children While Setting Them Free

Sunday night, a 9-year-old girl did something that nobody has ever done before. This beautiful, smart, sassy, young woman with a very unique name walked down the red carpet as the youngest person to ever be nominated for an Academy Award in a leading role. And, even if you have just seen the previews for Beasts of the Southern Wild, you know exactly why. But, then, something horrible happened. The Onion (of which I am usually a fan) made the mistake of tweeting something they probably never would have said had they taken, say, a half a second to think about it. This is the age in which we live, though. Be the first to get your 140 characters noticed. Rack up those retweets. Get the most "likes." We epitomize, "Leap first; ask questions later."


Let's put aside the fact that it wasn't even funny. But, now, when this child goes to Google herself after all the excitement of Sunday night, she will only find references to this incident. Her mother will have to explain what happened and what that word means. (I'll give you a hint: In this case, "C" is not for "cookie," and it's certainly not good enough for her.)

I've been working with children and families for over fifteen years, and sheltering used to mean something completely different than it does now. We used to tell our children to not open the door, don't talk to strangers, if someone calls don't tell them your name if you don't know them. We used to have to help them deal with the schoolyard bully, but, now, the culprit is on every screen we own--TVs, computers, tablets, phones. We literally carry it around with us everywhere. Teasing and name-calling isn't left behind when the last bell rings; it follows our children home. And, now, apparently, the adults are in on it, too.

It is important that our children learn how to stand up for themselves and how to deal with the bully. Too much sheltering will lead to them not being able to deal with these people in their adult lives, and, as you and I know, they're all around. The coworker who steals your ideas. The boss who is impossible to get along with. The office snitch person who makes sure everyone is performing their best. As adults, we deal with these and more on a daily basis. And we learned how to because we dealt with these problems on a smaller scale as children. These problems now, however, are exacerbated by the internet and may be too much for our children to handle alone.

So, how do we help our children grow to be independent, healthy adults while still sheltering them?

The first step is to keep an open dialogue and start talking (if possible) before they are able to go on the internet or join social networks on their own. This way, when something does happen, you have laid the groundwork for them to come to you without you having to hover. Children are much less likely to feel comfortable having open dialogues with a parent they feel is hovering and "always in their business." So, just do your best to set up the environment for them to easily come to you.

Second, before entering the world of social-networking, talk about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate to post. Pictures hanging out at a friend's birthday party? Those are likely cool. Pictures of your daughter in a suggestive pose? Most likely not. Remember, you took the same pictures at her age. You just had to wait for them to be developed, and they came out blurry anyway. They weren't on your phone where you could send them to the world with one click. Help your kids self-monitor what is okay to post. Ask them what they've seen that's inappropriate and why. You telling them what is acceptable will not help. They know where the lines are. They just need to actually think it through.

Third, be your child's "friend." I don't mean hang out with your kid and be his best friend and make sure he likes you. I mean actually be Facebook friends. It's corny, and your child will hate it. He will fight you on it and, once he learns how to work privacy settings, will probably block you from seeing anything he posts. And that's okay. He knows you're there and so do his friends. In reality, I don't know any kid with a Facebook profile who isn't "friends" with at least one parent; so, he won't be ostracized for it.

And what if something does happen? Talk it through with your kid. What happened and why does it bother her? What does he think should happen now? Help your child to stand up for herself and define her own boundaries. This will earn the respect of her peers. Daddy fixing everything does not. This can be the hardest thing for a parent to do--sit back and watch. Let him know you are there and will help intervene if needed but that he should try to resolve it first. Sometimes, unfriending or blocking people is the right thing to do. Sometimes, taking a "Facebook fast" is good. Maybe do this as a family--No Facebook for a week.

Do not be afraid to step in if necessary, though. If, through coaching you child on handling these things, the issues do not resolve, you should intervene. Meet with the principal or even the other child's parents. Be sure to be positive and show that you want to resolve the conflict. There should be consequences for anybody's actions, but "punishments" often make the situation worse. Work as a team to find a resolution. You may also need to be prepared to hear that your child isn't the angel you thought he was. If this does come up, take a deep breath and process what you are being told. Raising your voice will only create more problems. Take time to "research" what is being said. If the other parent says, "Yes, my daughter did call your son an a**hole on Facebook and made everybody share her status, but your son posted a nasty drawing of her," take a deep breath and say something like, "I was unaware of that. I assure you that I will look into it, and, if he did anything of the kind, there will be consequences." Similarly, if you are approached by another parent or school leader out of the blue about something your child did in cyberland, be sure to listen and react calmly. You are not perfect and neither is your child. We all make mistakes, but we must accept the consequences.

Raising healthy adults, physically and psychologically, takes a lot of work. These incidents are learning opportunities for everyone involved: the bully, the one being bullied and the parents on both sides. The person who tweeted that 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis is "kind of a c___" probably never made that mistake when he was younger and will certainly never make it again!